


"You'll wake up in a nice hospital room and I'll bring you a jar of caviar"

by Timemidae



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (TV)
Genre: Book: The Final Affair, Gapfill, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 04:10:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18865441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Timemidae/pseuds/Timemidae
Summary: Why does a happy ending feel so much like a tragedy?Follows immediately after the main story of The Final Affair, but before the epilogue.





	"You'll wake up in a nice hospital room and I'll bring you a jar of caviar"

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gapfill for The Final Affair, a not-quite-published ACE Paperback tie-in novel, written by David McDaniel. It's available as a pdf here: http://www.spywise.net/finalAffair.html (This a hundred page manuscript, the file will take some time to load.) It's a wild ride, but I do recommend checking it out. 
> 
> If you haven't read the book, and don't care to, but want to know enough to understand this story, scroll down to the endnotes and I'll give you the down-low. 
> 
> I don't want to give the impression that I'm maligning Joan's character. I respect her a great deal, I just don't think that anyone could have a 15 year career in THRUSH's psych department if they were a) oblivious to the interpersonal dynamics in front of them, or b) unable to display a certain ruthlessness.

He surfaces to the murmur of a woman’s voice, rising and failing steadily, like the sound of waves against a beach. Waves… her words don’t make sense, and then they do

                        … _much time for a honeymoon, and not much money either, and everything on the Cape was so expensive. But we had ice-cream every day—mint chip and rum raisin—and we had each other and we had a little bungalow right on the beach and at night we could hear the ocean_

***

 

Illya’s eyes flutter open and Joan stops herself short. His gaze flicks to her, searches the room, rests back on her. She can read his calculations as he makes them: Napoleon is not here and she, Napoleon’s wife, is. He licks his lips as though to speak and she, catching the flash of panic that he’s too strung-out to effectively conceal, takes pity on him.

 

“Just a broken leg. He’s in another room. He asked to be placed with you, but he’s being briefed on things the likes of you and I don’t have the security clearance to hear about.”

 

He shoots her a look that’s confused and a little affronted.  _You and I are not alike_ , it says, and she has to smile as she stands, helps him to take a sip of water. Something dawns on him mid-swallow and he chokes a little, gasps, “Napoleon, he’s Section One now, yes?” She nods. “A field promotion?” She nods again and he lets out a long, slow sigh.

 

She can tell he doesn’t want her there. Men are very much like babies in many respects, but they usually don’t like other people to see them cry. Still, she has a duty to discharge.

 

“As promised,” the little jar clicks softly against the formica tray table. It takes him a moment to focus on it, then he groans and squeezes his eyes shut.

 

“Please take that away, I’m nauseated enough as it is.”

 

“Suit yourself,” she sweeps the caviar back into her purse. Eyes still closed, he sinks deeper into the pillow. Once his breathing deepens, she eases out of her chair.

 

“Why did you tell me all that?”

 

What she had taken for sleep had obviously been a prolonged mustering of strength; his voice is clearer now, and growing louder with each word.

 

"Just returning the favor." 

 

“I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know about your honeymoon and I already knew his favorite ice-cream flavor, and I don’t want to know about your ‘little bungalow,’ and I don’t want to know about how the ocean sounded when he fucked you and I don’t want to know how much you love each other.”

 

She looks down, meets his glare with a gentle smile. “I thought so.” He lies flat, panting. “As a psychoanalyst, it’s nice to know I haven’t lost my touch. As his wife, I hope you don’t think I’m going to roll over and get out of your way.”

 

“No.” He stares resolutely past her to the ceiling.

 

“And you’re just going to have to take it on faith that I don’t want him sliced in half any more than you do.”

 

No answer.

 

“He’s going to be awfully confused if we stand on either side of the street calling his name, like two fools trying to claim the same lost puppy.”

 

“I wouldn’t worry overmuch on his account. Napoleon has a knack for getting what he wants.”

 

“Illya, honey,” she comes forward, rests a hand against his cheek, “you and I both know Napoleon well enough to know that he has no idea what he really wants.” She kisses his forehead, squeezes his right arm, and never looks back.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The Final Affair -- by David McDaniel, barebones summary: 
> 
> Okay, so UNCLE is finally able to hack into the Ultimate Computer network, revealing the location of THRUSH Central and its back-up sites. During a related mission, Napoleon and Illya run into Napoleon's not-so-late wife, Joan (gasp!) It turns out she was working for THRUSH even before their marriage, faked her death while Napoleon was fighting in Korea, and has been working inTHRUSH's psych department ever since.
> 
> Joan defects to UNCLE and gives them the location of the last, most secret THRUSH base. When they go to destroy it, Illya is shot and Napoleon has to go on without him to diffuse a nuclear bomb. Joan stays with Illya while he talks Napoleon through bomb disposal via telephone. To keep Illya awake, Joan asks him lots of questions about his life with Napoleon. She also makes the promise I've stolen for my title. 
> 
> Joining in the main UNCLE force, Napoleon is injured in the leg, and finds out that Waverly has been killed during the offensive, leaving Napoleon in charge of Section 1. 
> 
> In an epilogue, Napoleon and Joan (re)marry. Illya serves as best man before he departs for Moscow and a high position in Soviet Naval Intelligence. 
> 
> Ooof.


End file.
